Early Caregiving

My daughter had a relatively minor wrist surgery, and I went to stay with her for a few days during her initial recovery. The episode reminded me of the time I went to stay with my mother after she fell and broke her arm. This type of initially brief caregiving is often the way years of caregiving for an older relative begin, following a fall or surgery.

My daughter is a single mother with 2 young, very active, children. After her surgery, she needed help getting them off to school and picking them up while she could not drive, with meal preparation, and getting them to bed. She also needed prescriptions picked up, grocery shopping, help with getting dressed and bathing, and housekeeping and laundry done. When I left her house at the end of the week, I was guilt ridden. Me?! An experienced counselor of caregivers and staunch adversary of the guilt too often associated with caregiving. What happened?

My care receiver had ongoing care issues: no matter how much laundry I washed, there was more to be done. While her body healed, she would continue to have difficulty driving, getting the kids to school and herself to work; grocery shopping, meal preparation and meal clean ups would be challenging. The good part about this caregiving episode was that my daughter is young and will continue to improve and regain function, as opposed to older care receivers that may never recover. I, as her caregiver, felt guilty because of the obstacles she faced.

I realized anew what caregivers have learned: No matter how much you do, there is always more left that needs doing. At some point, caregivers must return to some parts of their own lives and leave their care receiver to cope, at least partially, with their losses. We cannot live someone else’s life, nor completely solve their problems. We can assist with physical losses and we can support them emotionally.

The solution to my guilt was to delegate. By the time I left her house, we had found rides to and from school for her kids, a co-worker would take her to work, I helped her grocery shop weekly, a neighbor prepared meals, and I continued to drive her to follow up medical appointments until she was okay to drive. Long time caregivers may find this helpful, too. During long term caregiving, it is imperative to “preserve the caregiver”, the caregiver must last as long as the care receiver. But as time goes by, the caregiver gets tired, no matter their good intentions. One way of coping is to identify resources that can assist with meeting care needs. A smart caregiver is not afraid to ask for help, and welcomes offers of assistance.