Family Meeting

The purpose of a family meeting is to get all family members together to discuss eldercare issues and make a plan. It is very important that everyone participate, including aunts and uncles if they are geographically close and spry enough to provide care. Be careful about who is included! Those who cannot physically be present should be present via a conferencing call. Distant siblings may sabotage realistic solutions because they do not understand the situation first hand, and they don’t know the resources  They still must be present during the family meeting.  Those who refuse to attend should understand that they lose their ability to vote; while they will be kept informed of developments, they will not be informed before a change in implementation.

          A second reason for the family to meet is the recognition that the parents unfortunately will are not likely to die peacefully in their sleep. Death in modern time is usually preceded by a lengthy time of illness or loss of function. The family surely wants to follow their parents wishes about care; in order to respect their wishes, you must know what they are! This can be a topic of discussion, or one sibling can be tasked with asking about their care preferences. This is the perfect time to find their End Of Life documents and make copies so all family members know what their parents prefer. (Or encourage parents to make and sign  make these)

Other purpose – Delegate responsibilities

                   1. financial

                   2. day to- day caregiving

                   3. Medicare paperwork and for

Recognize that this is a stressful time for everyone. Some unresolved issues from the past may arise; THESE SHOULD BE TABLED UNTIL ANOTHER TIME. When someone cries, it’s time to end the meeting, or at least take a break. It is best if you do not try to discuss every issue at one meeting because it can become overwhelming. Only attempt this if the group cannot meet together again.

          Other criteria to consider before the meeting begins:-

• Those who might have to step in during a crisis need to know what the parents’ preferences are.
• decide whether to include siblings spouses; they may be caregivers, but are they part of the decision making team?
• Establish goals at the beginning of the meeting.

• In order to provide the best possible care, and to include continuity of care, everyone should be part of this supportive network with everyone working together.
• Be considerate of one another’s feelings.
• Don’t dredge up old, unresolved issues, and don’t blame.
• Set priorities and realistic goals; be willing to compromise.
• Stay focused on the goals and needs of the older person.
• Consider using a professional or third party to facilitate the session, and be willing to follow his or her advice.
• If the care receiver(s) is alert and wants to participate in a planning session, include them.  It is their life. Be sure they know it is because you respect their wishes and their well being that you are having the meeting. If they become argumentative or disruptive, end the meeting and reschedule it at a different time without the parents.

• Be sure they understand that you are not making decisions for them, or imposing your will on their future. Rather, you are researching and discussing options for future care, for use as it is needed.
• The caregivers may want to get together without the parents, on the phone or via the internet, a few times before the primary meeting to get their thoughts and goals organized.
• Another goal of the meeting is to make a list of what tasks must be accomplished. The list will include things like:

• Trips to the doctor; transportation and someone to take notes and ask questions.
• Trips to the pharmacy
• Home maintenance, repairs, yard work, housecleaning
• Bill paying, record keeping for tax or Medicaid purposes
• Monitoring caregivers
• Grocery shopping, meal preparation
• Setting up pillboxes
• Daily contact calls

After you have made the list, then decide who will do what.  Print the items you have decided on and give everyone a copy.

The sibling who lives closest will always be the first call in an emergency. Caregiver burnout is a real issue to be avoided. This means that the closest sib on the list cannot be responsible for many other items on the list.

          Sibs that live farther away can take on tasks that need not be done locally, such as paying bills, filing insurance papers, paying taxes, keeping  up with pharmacy charges and Medicare D. Most banking can be done from anywhere, too.

Every adult child should plan to spend a  minimum of 2 weeks every year with their parents; this is to give local siblings a break, and to become familiar with the current situation.

Caregiving is a Family Project

          In order to provide the most loving care, it is NOT necessary to give your parents carte blanche. You can and should set limits and what will be provided and when. As your parents to make time together pleasant for everyone; it is reasonable and fair to withdraw your time together is your parent cannot be grateful and pleasant. There is no law that requires adult children to provide care for their parents. You do so out of love and respect – but most people do not have these good qualities in limitless quantities.